June 2001

We are off to see Tomb Raider this evening. None of you will believe me but Nicky wants to see it.

All I have seen of Lara Croft is the game on the Playstation. I room full of adult men were glued to her pixilated and impossibly little bum. Call me kinky but give me Super Mario in a video game any day.

Lesson - I hope it’s not as bad as the Super Mario film.

“When you get down as far as this
it’s not as simple as kiss
to make the pain stop” - All of the Above - Deborah Conway.

I am not normally prone to bad moods but sometimes I get feel like a get ambushed by a whole lot of things and descend into a mood.

It’s not pretty (or especially adult if truth be told). But with a bit of blind optimism I generally work my way out of it and don’t have to murder the fuckwit standing in front of me when I was waiting to pay for petrol.

Lesson - a) outbreak causes by nervousness b) under seige c) means to justify their ends, but at what cost? d) disappointment from all the friends I’ve lost but’s e’s the best. All of the above is not enough, is not enough.

Last night at the Yak was a bit of a giggle. As it was the first birthday of the Thursday night open slather things were a bit sillier than normal.

They had little party hats and those damn things that sound like gunfire and shoot streamers all over the place. And I got to eat the dinner that I order on Saturday night but left before it arrived (it has been 40 minutes or so since I had ordered and I just forgot. As did they it seems).

Anyhow I played Dolly (capo on 6, worked a bit better), This is Not a Love Song (but I suspect it secretly might be), Folk To Country Music, and I closed with Slow Motion.

I got a couple of people (the Compost Twins, Stefan and Molly) to get up and sing some oh-ah-ooohs which was a bit of fun.

When the Compost Twins played the Compost Song they dedicated it to “Mark O’Meara and his very talented sister Fiona who writes so many great songs”. I didn’t realise until Ned told me halfway through the song that they meant her. How odd.

The other acts were in good form and it was a fun little night.

Sarah tells me she might be able to make it to one of the Open Slathers in July. Stay tuned.

Lesson for the day - There is sometimes adventure to be found in Abbotsford.

I am a complete monkey.

I decided that given I was a wee bit weary I would get an egg and bacon sandwich for the cafeteria downstairs. As I was waiting for Danger’s flat white I thought this would be good time to starting chomping on my tasty snack. This was my mistake.

After a half minute I realised that there were large quantities of eg yolk down the front of my shirt. Not small, maybe you could not notice, quantities but heaps of the sticky stuff.

Luckily one of my colleagues called Bill was wearing a short sleeved t-shirt over a long sleeved one. He has kindly lent me the short sleeved on which, although far too big for me, is very comfortable.

I feel a bit like Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction. I am about to go shopping at David Jones to get a new shirt.

Lesson for the morning - I could not would not on a train, I could not would not in the rain.

Here are some amazing stats from WouldYouBelieve.com.

Max only said “Sorry about that Chief ” 21 times in the whole series.

“The Old ___ Track” was used 55 times and the “Would you believe” 29 times.

Most astonishingly the phrase “Missed it by that much” was only used 9 times in the whole series.

Lesson - it only takes a spark to light a fire.

It became obvious a written apology or compensation was not forthcoming.

Also pretty much everyone I knew had either heard the broadcast or had heard about it and I was getting a bit sick of trying to explain what had happened to people.

My brother investigated my options with the partners at his firm. Two lawyers had two bits of advice.

The first lawyer suggested issuing a writ immediately. He figured that I could walk away with $50,000 as this was an open and shut case of defamation.

The second also agreed that I would win. However he warned of a couple of dangers.

The first danger was that they had far greater resources than me and could drag the case out for years (John Marsden’s case cost him $6m to fight). I would certainly run out of money to fight before they did and then there would probably be a ruling for them.

The second risk is that they could involve the ex-girlfriend concerned as co-defendant. She would then most likely loose her house on account of my win. While her welfare was obviously not on the top of my list of concerns the last thing I needed was someone who clearly didn’t like me and had nothing left to loose.

So I let the matter drop.

Lesson - If said radio folk are reading this they can always post a response to my guest book. That’s more than I got to do.

It warmed my little heart to see that John Marsden was awarded half a million dollars in his defamation action against Channel 7.

Let me tell you a short story.

About 10 years ago I was woken by a phone call from my then girlfriend’s mother. She told me that I had just been described in fairly unflattering terms and in some detail on the radio.

Naturally she had my full attention at this point.

What had happened was that a minor celebrity of the time had read a piece about me out on a very popular breakfast show.

This piece was about 500 words long but the crux of it was as followed. That I had smelly feet (completely true), that I had dropped out of university (I was doing 3rd year at the time), that I had a little dick (may well be true, I really have no basis for comparison), that I blamed all my problems on other people (and who doesn’t) and that I worked in the production of blue movies (I can only wonder what role I was meant to have taken given my limited resources. Maybe I directed, I’ve always wanted to do that).

They then read out my full name (middle name and all) and my suburb and street name.

When I called the station the producer told me I couldn’t have a tape because they don’t make tapes. Now radio stations have to make tapes of what they broadcast and I knew this from the Community Radio I had done.

Once we agreed on this he told me that I couldn’t have a tape because it was none of my business.

It was time to speak to my brother the lawyer. And a very good lawyer I am told.

More of this story to come.

Lesson for the early morning - what rates and what is true are rarely the same.

We got home yesterday to find that our new gee-whiz front light was not on.

It is a clever little bulb that turns itself on a the same time every day for 6 hours. Very handy for when you get home in the dark.

Once inside we quickly discovered why the bulb was hinky. The power had been out again. Surprise surprise.

I was amused (only slightly) that despite consumer perception to the contrary the private report that they have less blackouts than ever before.

Lesson for the morning - why fix the problem when you can fix the reports.

As I was standing in the gents’ at work (also known as the little process analysts room) that my glasses look twice as rosy to me when I saw them in the mirror. I figure this is so because I look out through them to see them.

Lesson for the afternoon - Not sure if this is scientifically valid but it worked for me.

I have the same dream every six months or so. In the dream I am in a car on the way to the airport when I realise that I don’t have a passport (I really don’t and never have had one). In the dream I know that they take weeks to get, and that I am utterly fucked.

Everything is planned but for me missing this really big thing.

Sometimes I also (this is in waking life) get the feeling that there is something quite important that I have forgotten. Not something little like to feed the dogs (not that they ever don’t get fed) but something big like getting house insurance or a drivers licence.

Then I have a big think and I am pretty sure I have done all I am meant to.

Lesson for the morning - even when you are as cocky as I am you still have some doubts.